Ultimate Joke

A Gujrati, a Madrasi and a sardaar were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were having lunch and Gujju said, "Dhokla! If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Idli Sambhar again! If I get idli sambhar one more time I'm going to jump off too."

The sardaar opened his lunch and said, "Parontha again! If I get a parontha one more time, I'm jumping too."


The next day, the Gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to his death.

The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw idli sambhar, and jumped, too.

The sardaar opened his lunch, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as well.


At the funeral, Gujju's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Madrasi's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him dossa! I didn't realize he hated idli sambhar so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the sardaar's wife.

Scroll down for her answer

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....
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The sardaar's wife said,

"Don't look at me.

He makes his own lunch.

Too Good in Marketing

Manager: "Do you have any sales experience?"

Indian salesman: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."

Well, the boss liked the Indian so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, Just one sale."

The boss says: "Just ONE? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"

Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"

Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What did you sell?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sold a small fishhook, then a medium fishhook, a large one and a new fishing rod with some fishing gear.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll need a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.

I then asked him where he would be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Indian boy says: "No Sir, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I
said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."...

Nuke missile launch - hilarious

1. During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet Satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 45 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way. 2. Recent studies commissioned by US department of Defense included one on nuclear war between India and Pakistan : 3. This was the scenario The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India. They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns. Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution. But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet. The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely. The President asks for a quick decision. In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a re-launch are still on. Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it. The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week. As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed. The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government cannot take such a decision because elections are at hand. The Election Commission files Public Interest Litigation in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power. The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting! PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation. Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building in Islamabad at 11.00 AM. Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early. In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight. The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA . The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting. This time all the parties agree. Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as preparations begin, "pro-humanity", "anti-nuclear" activists come out against theGovernment's decision. Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organized. In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible". On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan. Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes. A missile (smuggled from US A) is pressed into service. Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits it original destination: Russia. Russians successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad . The missile hits the target and creates havoc. Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits. Thus India never gets to launch the missile. Pakistan never gets it right. And both live happily ever after!!!!

Laws invented through experience

Few interesting laws just have a look at it
 
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged one.

Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the next morning you will have a flat tire.

O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than
the one you are in now.

THE TALE OF A DATE

THE TALE OF A DATE

 

    She is my first and the only love till this point. Her name is Nivedita, a software engineer by profession. She is turning twenty-five shortly and she is undoubtedly the most beautiful girl on earth. I made it a point to share my feelings today with her, hoping this letter would do it all. I have not written any letters in my life till now, and this is perhaps the first time I pen down my thoughts and expectations for the person I love the most on earth.

    It’s been four years since we met each other and a strong bond has grown between us through these years. I was unaware of her love for a long time. In fact, I hadn’t spoken a word with her till about a year I had seen her for the first time. It was in one long journey in train, I understood her love for me. It happened a year ago.

It was a trip from Kanyakumari to Chennai in Kanyakumari Express. We had passed Vizhupuram and it was 3 am in the morning. I thought I was the only one who was awake in the whole compartment in that early hour. But to my surprise, she was also awake.

I didn’t know then that it was for me she had got up that early. Hardly had she seemed to move her sight away from me. She smiled at me very often and every time I encountered that cute smile, I started eagerly awaiting the next battle with her smile and shining eyes. Her smile had everything in it, the story of unbelievable affection, care and what not.

  

From that moment, till now, I too have loved her to a great extent. We have never exchanged words about the love we have towards each other, but words are too less to reflect the amount of affection and love we share. I have always thought that the love would remain throughout our life and it happened to be the same till three months back.

Vivek had come into my life three months back. In fact I myself had waited his arrival for quite a long time, but from the moment he arrived, he has been the worst enemy in my life. Nivedita and he had grown close over times, and the fraction of time she spent with me got lowered to a great extent. Even the latest Sensex fall would be less compared to the fall in her affection for me.

I have wondered how it could suddenly happen, after near to four long years of understanding and love amidst us. At times, I have felt like killing that guy Vivek, but I have not had that much strength or braveness to do that. Still, what can he do? He did no mistake to his part, except for being born charming, cute and fair.

  

Two days before when I saw her, she was feeding food for him and I was hurt to the core on seeing the incident. My anger had boiled down to tears, and I broke. It took almost close to three hours for me stop crying, I felt I had cried more than how much I would have cried when I was born.

  

I have been trying to understand where it all went wrong, but to my fortune, till now, I haven’t been able spot it out. Once for all, I decided to tell all my feelings to her, no matter how she is going to deal with it. I have heard my dad saying a lot of times ‘Something is better than nothing!’ and I made up my mind to do ‘something’.

I fixed today to be the ‘DATE’ for throwing open in front of her the ‘TALE’ of my pure love for her. I don’t know whether I will get a positive response from her, but I pray God that only the best happens.

  

Trrrrriinnnnnnggggg…

  

 My school bell has rung. The lunch break is over. My ‘UKG’ classmates would be ready to welcome me with the same cute smile as ever.

  

I hope my ‘MOTHER’ Nivedita will be alright, understands me and shares some time with me also, apart from that she spends with my three months old rascal ‘BROTHER’ Vivek.

  

See you after a break!!!

  

 

With Love,

Deepak UKG-B,

 

                                                                                                                                                                                           

 

Superb Test

"I was happy. My girlfriend and I and been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My
parents helped us in every way. My friends encouraged me and my girlfriend, she was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was vivacious twenty years of age and drop-dead gorgeous.

One day, her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't and didn't really want to overcome! She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door,
stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing just outside.With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, 'We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family!'

Moral of the story :
Always keep your condoms in your CAR.

PJ's...awesome!

A cow standing on the road keeps shouting 'F'... 'F'...

Why???
Because F=ma ( Newton 's Second Law :) )

 A boy throws a bottle of Bournvita out of the window. A cat sees it, and takes the bottle of bournvita and buries it under the ground. Why?

Because 'CAT-BURIES' Bournvita

Who is called female Java?

Java'Gal' Srinath

 3 cockroaches are walking on the road. Suddenly 1 of them starts singing 'Tujhe Dekha To Yeh Jaana Sanam...' And the other 2 die immediately. Why?

Because it was a HIT song.

 

Performance Appraisal!!!

 

      SELF-APPRAISAL ( Before final evalaution by immediate/Super Boss)

      A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a
      soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He
      climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the
      buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven
      digits (phone numbers).  

      The store-owner observed and listened to the
      conversation:  

      Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your
        lawn?
      Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I
      already have someone to cut my lawn."
      Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of
      the person who cuts your lawn now."
      Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is
      presently cutting my lawn.
      Boy: (with more perseverance): "Lady, I'll even sweep
      your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will
      have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida
      Woman: No, thank you.
      With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the
      receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all
      this, walked over to the boy.
      Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that
      positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
      Boy: "No thanks,
      Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
      Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the
      job I already have. I am the one who is working for
      that lady, I was talking to!"    

      This is what we call "Self Appraisal"
      Highly Recommended.... 

 

Rules

A circular was found in one of the office notice
boards

Dear STAFF ,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and
regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our
firm.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car
according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public
transportation, we assume you must have lots of
savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you
need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year
(Wow! said 1 employee).
- They are called SUNDAYs.

LUNCH BREAK :
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they
need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a
diet pill.

SICK DAYS :
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as
proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
come to work.

TOILET USE :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
cubicles.
b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open
and a picture will be taken.
c) After your second offence, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders" category.
d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public
auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY :
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your
organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired
you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

INTERNET USAGE:
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and
charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and
if we decide not to give you any, charges
will be deducted from your salary.
- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20
per minute as we have 4MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be
entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their
Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Best regards,
HRD

ITALIAN TOMATO

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

 
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

  

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

  

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and  dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

 

 

 

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie..........

Intelligence

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam.

"Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds,
"It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye,
sir," says the Kalam. 

 

He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Bush, upon   returning to Washington,decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test.

Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.  

 

 Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours,but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course." 

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is!

It's our Colin Powell!"
 
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong,

 

 It's Manmohan Singh from India!"

 

 

 

FIVE SURGEONS..

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients
to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants

on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.' The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.' The third surgeon, from Dallas,

says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical

order.' The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You kno w, I like
construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington,DC shut them all up when he observed:

'You're all w rong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,

no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable.

 

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most respected man,whom people consider God, who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"

I dont wanna go to school

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?";
;;;
;;;
;;;
;;;
;;;;
MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school